I believe that few of us have faith in who we really are. As such when we feel insecure or uncomfortable we rarely feel passionate about searching inside. Further we have been heavily conditioned to accept what authority figures direct us to have faith in. This may be religion, parents, media or school.
On a personal level I get so much of a lift when I understand things that have hurt or confused me. I have a strong faith in how I beleive my life should be and this motivates me towards understanding. Whilst I believe in God I do not feel like I can say that I understand him as anything other than a presence inside.
The thing is much of the time I am anything but perfect. Life and people and emotions really belt me around. I can be up and down and everywhere in between. I am definitely not secure as yet but have no doubts that one day I will be. It is this lack of doubt in myself that allows me to embrace my life as I do. The more I understand my own insecurities the closer I come to living from my inner presence.
I also have faith in the true essence of others around me. However the more deeply connected I am to a person the more they seem to push my buttons. My father is a great example of one who touches me deeply.. I feel his heart like it is my own but also feel his pain and insecurity like it is my own. He is now 81 and experiencing continual physical pain and illness. Nothing too serious at present but very debilitating on his body and his spirit.
Even though Dad is 81 I have felt that he has contributed to his pain in life for the whole of my life. He was born deeply sensitive and in his own words perfect. In fact he believes as do I that everyone is born perfect. However where we differ is that Dad believes that he, I and no one is perfect after about 6 months of age. This is a catch 22 as I agree with him on one level but also believe that we are all still perfect inside but that we have allowed our environment to bluff us from connecting to our inner true selves.
My father has an enormously sensitive heart. Deep down he is so gentle yet for much of his life he has felt intimidated by his experiences in life. As a young boy he had dyslexia and was treated harshly at boarding school where they had little understanding or tolerance for his condition or his sensitivity. He is a physically big man and has tried to face life with a strong jaw and big chest. However inside he has continually taken on hurt and pain. In comfort zones such as watching a great movie he unconsciously lets his walls down and really feels love for himself and life. However when placed under pressure he tries to hang tough but often is taking on stress and confusion by not embracing the deeper reasons for his pain.
It is when he makes mistakes that he does himself the most damage. He gets so hurt inside but then tries to push the incident and the pain right out of his mind. Pretty much has the theory of burying his head in the sand and hoping the incident and pain just goes away. We talk regularly about emotions and life but my father feels very much out of his comfort zone doing so. In fact if I do not handle the conversation with utmost composure he can become aggressive in trying to block any further conversation. However today I was calm and did get him to go a bit deeper and acknowledge some important things.
I asked him how he feels when he makes a mistake or is placed in a position where he may be seen as weak or less than perfect. He admitted that he feels really bad and even scared. Also that when he has been seen to be flawed that he feels so stupid and at times useless. He then admitted that he wants to push these feelings as far away from thought as possible in the hope that they will never be repeated. I suggested that when a person does this without embracing deeply for the reason that they are carrying this hurt and weakness as a self fulfilling gospel.
I asked Dad to imagine that these feelings are stored in a factory. That each time he pushes them out of mind that they are sent directly to the storage factory. I then asked him how someone who entered that factory would feel. He very quickly and openly said they would feel like they had entered a Demonic Dungeon. I then suggested to him that this factory is actually his own body. That throughout his life he has stored all of this pain and confusion in his own body. That the more he stores the more he attracts and the less freedom he has to enjoy life.
As an alternative I asked Dad to consider looking at weakness and failure as not such a damning gospel. To take a breath and look into any losses of control or feelings of worthlessness that he may have. My theory is that Dad has always been incredibly gifted with an enhanced ability to feel his own and the emotions of others. He has the capacity to love deeply but also has as a natural consequence felt rejection more heavily than most due to his ability to feel love deeper than most. Further as the world we live in seems to be more about pretending to be strong than actually being so the most sensitively gifted usually feel life around them to be a very uncompromising, insecure and manipulative environment.
Hence often the mistakes we make are as a result of the tension we feel from our surroundings. We take the tension on unconsciously and then rush and panic in certain situations and create the validation through mistakes that we are right to feel weak. When you add this to the stored pain and confusion that is already in our bodies it is no wonder we don’t feel our own perfection. However most sensitive people who experience this continual validation are not happy with their self belief or lack thereof. They feel self loathing for being so stupid and also loath their environment for lacking the compassion to not rush and pressure them.
I believe the solution to all this is to prioritize depth of self awareness above everything else. To place this awareness ahead of our children, parents, partners, charities, anything. To go deeply into all of our powerful experiences, especially the painful ones. Only then will we experience life with less panic, less rush and begin to fill our storage factory with empowering energy. Then whenever people enter our factory they will feel light and inspired to see their own perfect child inside. Perhaps if more of us cleansed our factories the world may gain a real faith and trust in God.