My Mum stimulates much of my writing with our conversations. One thing that she doesn’t like owning up to is hate. She has experienced much pain in her life emotionally and in my opinion has felt hate many times in her life especially when feeling rejected. However when I mention this she replies with ‘Hate is a Strong word’. She then admits to perhaps disliking someone but never to hating.
When my Mum was a young girl her father was found to be playing up on his wife. At the time my Mum adored her father and this really shattered her. My grandfather was a deeply passionate man and also highly respected in his community. However in those days [around 1940] you couldn’t do much worse than be found out playing up on your wife especially when you were a well respected doctor and media identity.
My mother went from thinking of her father as God to feeling him to be dirty. Further she stored the incident as a rejection of her. At that age she had little capacity to go deep in analysis and so stored this enormous hurt based on heavy society conditioning. From there she felt guilt for not having love and respect for her father and this fuelled much self and father hatred.
Through Mum’s adult life she would find herself become very cold when certain situations pushed on her stored pain. This of course pushed people away from her and created my father and myself to reject her. These days Mum is now very aware of how her energy has self sabotaged her relationships but can still fall into the trap of not embracing her darkest feelings of hatred when they do arise.
Hate is such a strong word and a deeply powerful emotion. However in my opinion powerful hatred is only sourced from people who have a deep capacity to feel. Love is also a very powerful emotion and in my opinion more powerful than hate. However for a sensitive person to really reach the zenith of their love potential they must fully acknowledge and embrace their negative emotions including hatred.
On a society level we have little evidence of powerful love but much evidence of powerful hate and violence. This permeates on so many levels with victims and perpetrators sharing similar levels of hatred. I cannot stand violence and fear it so much. However to my mind the only way I can truly protect myself from violence is to cleanse myself of any fear, hate or insecurity within my own system. Only then can I be sure that I am not projecting out what may come back to me as physical violence.
Society has many physically agressive people. However for every physicaly agressive person I wonder if there are as many passive agressives. People like my Mum who have been hurt and rejected by life and loved ones but are not admitting to or even aware of the agression they have stored within.