Love, Loss and Dependancy

Tony Ryan - Saturday, July 16, 2005

Much of this site is devoted to understanding what real love is. My belief at this stage is that the most real love is love of self and that a love of self is gained through the appreciation of beauty in one's environment.

Personally I find beauty in many aspects of my life. Music, art, nature, animals and in people. The feeling I get from this appreciation is hard to explain as it is more an energy than anything material . So long as I find myself appreciating beauty I feel a love for myself and for life.

However I find that if I become attached to an external then the resultant dependency seems to drain my energy. I start to fear losing the object of my appreciation and feel restricted and in fear.At these times I feel like I have no control over my happiness, peace or self love and become desperate and controlling of my environment.

I find that whilst I get much energy from appreciating beauty in many aspects of my life it is people who provide me with the most energy.However they also drain my energy the most especially when I have attached a dependency to how good I can feel around them.

Possibly the most testing love and the most misunderstood is romantic love. Personally I find that the stronger the connection the greater the test of one's sanity. Of late I have had my sanity tested a bit and it has forced me to delve more fully into the romantic love I have for others.

I have come to the conclusion that any romantic love I have should be based on beauty appreciation and not on material proof of such beauty. The most real love I have felt for another has been based on a spiritual feeling, a mood of perfect surrealism. There has been no specific action, aesthetic look or circumstance that has been at play. The most accurate description I could give would be that I have felt an amazing depth of sensitivity and compassion within those I love most.

I believe that fate gives us a limited amount of connections with others to feel most deeply our own truest self. That the connection with these significant others can be the most beautiful or the most frightening. It is far easier to bond with people who don't reach us so deeply but nowhere near as fulfilling.Personally I have made a life choice to understand my most sensitive connections to other people and to not run from them when my sanity is tested.

My greatest tool in pursuing these relationships is to believe in the absolute beauty and reality of the connection and to lose all fear of loss. If I love the person for their beauty then possession is not important. If I love someone why should their beauty be any less if they are with me in a certain desired way or not. Further if I fully believe in the beauty of their essence then their actions should also be unrelated to my love.

I believe that we all are at peace in our essence. Our natural state of being is peace, love and joy. However the stresses of life test our resolve and can have us acting in ways contrary to who we really are. Real love is digging deep past the actions and emotions caused by fear and stress.To believe in our own inner beauty and the beauty of those most closely connected to us.

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