Mental Illness

Tony Ryan - Saturday, July 03, 2010

I have a great passion for finding meaning in life. I think that I have been hurt often by feeling things but not understanding or even at times being aware to what I was sensing. I have felt depressed at times and perhaps crazy and definitely weak. I write a daily journal about my relationships with self and people and a recent one is about mental illness and mental health. I am going to present it in the raw form it was written. The she referred to is a woman I had recently had contact with.

By seeking results and success and achievement on a society level she is destroying herself and destructing her true creative ability. She is self self sabotaging and destroying her body and material life. Dad has done similar as has Mum. Sensitive people sense the sell out but miss the depth and truth of what they sense. Instead they feel insecure, bitter and overwhelmed and then in this self absorbed state are even more desperate than normally sensitive people to win and survive in a world that they more than anyone know is insane.

Then in their despair and victim mentality based on confusion and weakness they look for a savior to heal them. This could be a child, a partner or perhaps an anti depressant. However their real savior is the very thing that created the insecurity in the first place. Ie; Their ability to sense deeper than the normal person. They are the ones who could really heal the world but are instead the victims always seeking to be healed by a world that is lost.

I would imagine by definition that mental is in the mind. I like to believe that this is true and that further it is a matter of ‘Mind over Matter’. Ie; Fix your thinking and the chemistry will follow. I am mentally ill when I become a victim in anything I do. Jack and Jill [not actual names] create such self sabotaging situations with their deeply ingrained victim mentalities. They are forcing themselves to a destruction that will make it easier to be real. Once there is nothing to lose they can more easily free themselves of self absorption and connect to real sanity.

Because of the deep deep rejection pain Jack, Jill, Bob, Mary, myself ect ect have [loss of love at the deepest felt level] we are all always in such a rush to access a quick fix and to gain relief. I do this in tennis but because I rush and am not composed I get more pain. Then in tennis I feel helpless and bitter and out of control. This is such a deep human insanity to rush and robotically lose respect for the very things we cherish in our essence selves.

We are so desperate and fearful and it is so unconscious that we run ahead of life rather than enjoying it. So what I do in tennis Jill does in life. If we really worked to believe in ourselves and life we would have so much power, so much control, so much joy.

This is where I finished this piece but I am forever writing about my own mental and emotional state and that of those around me. I believe that world is unconscious and insane. That those gifted to feel the deepest have access to the reality of the insanity and also the truth of real unity and love. We just have to communicate with our own essence in order to access the cure.

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