Like everyone - man or woman, I feel self conscious of myself to a certain extent. Not so much how I talk, what I say or how I think, more in a physical sense. How I look or how I feel.... what people might say about one of my physical attributes. In the world of modeling, there is a lot of pressure to look a certain way - tall, lean, fit, toned but skinny is the word you will hear most.
Before my body matured I was extremely skinny. I now have curves that sometimes feel like they aren't balanced. Small breasts and a larger butt - booty which it is now referred too. I stay fit - I run and I eat healthy but I am human, and enjoy treats and sweets. Being told what is beautiful and what isn't but how can everyone look the same...it isn't possible and that would be aesthetically dull.
When I was asked to do this shoot I was hesitant. People will be able to view me as naked as the day I was born. Day of the shoot, I nearly rang and cancelled - I was that nervous. On my way to the shoot, I nearly rang 10 times to cancel, make up an excuse of why I couldn't be there today. But before I knew it, I had arrived. Tony met me outside, so there was no chance to turn around right there in front of him and make a last ditching effort of running.
I feel comfortable with Tony. Since the first time we met, I have opened up a lot about myself. I understand a lot more about myself. I was always told I had a presence but I never really knew what that meant. Through spending time on a previous shoot, Tony helped me understand my individual energy and how that might effect the outside world around me.
The shoot - here I am naked for the world to see. I am extremely self conscious whilst standing knee high in mud in a lake (at one point I even thought something had attached itself to my leg). Then I was standing in thigh high bushes with small spiders crawling around my feet. I have always loved nature and I think I felt a lot calmer having life surrounding me in it's natural form. My hesitancy is leaving and the enjoyment is arriving. The thrill of openness. No social expectancy. Just beauty of the female form.
The results - I like my butt. Maybe for the first time ever. I like my curves. Maybe for the first time ever. The photos are beautiful. They are artistic. They are natural. They are me. Every line, every movement, every crease, every photo is me. I feel beautiful and special. I have a copy of one of the photos hanging on my wall to remind me of the moment I was completely free of any opinions of society and life. And to remind me of why I should love myself for who I am and what I look like.
Thank you Tony for giving me this opportunity of happiness and beauty.